"9-30-05 Harriet Carter continued...

"Money Talks" Money Clip - [ A silver money clip with the inscription "Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye"] [Catalog description] will help you hang on too those bills that just seem to fly away! Handsome, lightweight money clip keeps bills secure and won't bulk in suitcoat or trousers...
"Agree With Me"Tee - [A black shirt containing the phrase "You can agree with me or be wrong!"] [Catalog description] is perfect for those who aren't afraid to take a stand and who aren't afraid to let everyone know it!
Doggie Christmas Suit [A picture of a miserable looking dog dressed like Santa Claus] [ Catalog description] - will make your pooch the hit of the holiday season. There'll be delighted squeals from your family as doggie runs around as cute as can be in this santa-inspired jacket with its own belt, and hat over one ear!

9-29-05 Harriet Carter post

Today I was lucky enough to get a "Harriet Carter" catalog in the mail. After reading it, I believe that - even though they don't have the last name - Harriet Carter is actually Lillian Vernon's sister.

Here are some of the things that made me drool in lust:

Eye-catching "Tree Face"- [The picture of a tree's trunk with plastic eyes, ears, and nose attached to it] [the catalog description] puts a friendly smile in your yard. Realistically rendered in textured "bark", this set of facial features is sure to charm all who pass by. Your "cheery" tree will become the talk of the neighborhood. Eyes, nose and mouth are each approx. 4" with attached hangers.

Horse Pillow - [A pillow with a horse on it, with the phrase "Life without horses... I don't think so!] [catalog description] Horse pillow will practically nuzzle upp too you! With warm brown eyes, dark mane, ands white markings on his nose, the horse on this lovely needlepoint-look pillow reminds us of horses we've all known and loved. Add the sentiment, "Life without horses, I don't think so ," and you've got the perfect horse-lover's gift!

Personalized Pet Monument - [a gravestone that reads "In memory of scooter. 1990-2003. Rest in peace.] [catalog description] Makes a lasting tribute to the one who gave you so much love and devotion. Use to mark pet's favorite spot in your yard or garden, where so many happy hours were spent. Name and years are engraved in this stone/resin plaque. Included ground stakes assure monument stays in place.
Prayer Pillow - [a little pillow with the phrase "A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel"] [catalog description] Brings comfort to both body and soul. Attractive pillow is sized just right to fit behind the small of the neck for instant support and relaxation.. Its warm and reassuring message will lift up and inspire all who read it. [Man, even I was inspired!]

[Beware, more to come]

9-28-05

I've been thinking about vampires. And I've reached the conclusion that the person who invented them probably went through something like "head trauma". "Undead" is such a good word to describe how brain damage feels.

But the fictional part of vampires is their "want" to turn others into vampires. I bet some very creative, writerly person with brain damage is the originator of "vampires."

I think I might modernize vampires, and make them more realistic. Instead of having teeth, they'll carry metal, baseball bats. And instead of turning others into vampires by biting them on their necks. They'll beat them over their head with their bats.

10-24-05

Good morning Y'all,

I just got done sending the following email to that group of anti-abortion idiots, Operation Rescue. I sort of hope that they take it seriously so I can publish their response

The email:

"Hello,

I came up with the following AA slogan.

If you want to use it, it's yours for free. Let me know what you think.


The Slogan: 'What if the Virgin Mary had an abortion!?!? ' "


Not bad, if I do think so myself. It perfectly sums up the horror of abortion.

Regards,
Ian [obviously a fake name]"

*********

On a much different note, I've been thinking about vampires.

I bet the person who came up with the idea if vampires had something similar to "head trauma". I say that because "undead" is such a terrific word to describe what it feels like to have brain damage.

That said, I'm definitely going to write a story about realistic vampires. I'll make it realistic, so instead of biting people on the neck and sucking their blood, they'll put people in a coma by beating them over the head with a baseball bat.

10-23-05 Hard-on post

Dear Boner Maker,

Thanks for giving a shit about my blog. I'm very honered that you bookmarked my blog. Unfortunately for you, I'm a pretty hard guy. Luckily, I've got a hot wife who gets me hard just by breathing.

No, I don'have "limp dick syndrome"! But thanks for caring.

Love,
Skullen

I'm referring to a comment made on my "10-22-05" love post. You can find the comment here.

10-22-05 LOVE POST

This is a "love post" to my wife.

See, I just love her so much. My goal is make other girls jealous because of how much I love her. Another goal I have is to make other husbands want to kill me because they can never measure up to my love for her.

See, even if I had secrets that could save the U.S. and there was a carbon monoxide leak. And we only had one gas mask. She'd get it.

Even though, by being alive, I could save all of you; kiss your life goodbye!

Why?

Because some asshole loves wife so much.

9-18-05

I can't wait to get back on a bike again. I even have dreams about that moment. Unfortunately, because my balance is so fucked up, I'll have to get a trike. I know that sounds a bit childish. But even if I didn't have messed up balance and, as my daughter calls it, "a broken head", I'd probably still get one. Check them out, they're totally cool:

Trikes

9-17-05 spam magnet

Apparently, from reading all of my comments, spam loves me. So this post is a test to see just how much they love me. Okay?

Let me take a breath...ahhhh...okay. Here goes:

-Fuck
-Shit
-Spam really fucking sucks.
-If you didn't know, I have an enormous cock!
-I also love enormous tits.
-Goddam it.
-Whoops, I used the motherfucking Lord's name in vain

9-16-05 Story post

I'm trying to think of a poetic term to use for the way I regularly feel. This Coma changed me immensely.

Poetic terms I came up with:
1. Confused
2.Lighthheaded
3. Airheaded
4. Sped-like [AKA. special education like]
5. Dumb
6. Retarded
7. Whiney

On a muxh different note her's a story I wrote. I'm definitely going to put it in Coma-Zine:

Bored Vamps

One dark, dreary October evening, a small group of people - 2 men and 3 women - stood outside of the bowling alley thinking of something to do for the rest of the evening. The bowling alley bar just closed down, so it was very very late.

Suddenly, a man emerged from the bowling alley, holding the hand of a woman with his one hand, and tossing his car keys up and down with the other hand. He spotted the group, and said, "AHA!!! You's guys wanna have some fun?"

They looked at him with annoyed looks without saying a word.

Obviously, the man took the silence as a 'yes', because he, then, said,"Well, come with me!"

They reluctantly followed him to his car. He walked to a small Honda Civic hatchback, stood facing the driver's side door, and took out his keys. "Well let's get in!" he said. They all stood there thinking, how are we all going to fit in there ?!?!

The guy turned and laughed, "Just kiddin'!!! I bet you guys thought this was my car...Well, I hate Jap crap! My car is that awesome, orange Dodge van over there...the one with the dice in the window!"

He led them over to the "awesome" orange van, and unlocked the side door. "Well lookee here," he said in a high-pitched, squeely voice as he opened the door up .

They looked inside before they walked in. There weren't any seats. It just consisted of plain, grey, shag carpet. So they got in and sat on the shag carpet, leaning against the sides of the van.

He jiggled his keys a bit, unlocked the driver's side door, got in, and put the keys in the ignition.

"Well, wouldja look this?!?" he said as he stared at the massive collection of 8-tracks sitting on the floor. "Whatcha guy's like ?."

He thumbed through the collection reading off the names, "Merle Haggard, Kenny Rogers," he paused as he thumbed through more.

"AHA, I got it! Bruce Willis. Now that's your generation ! He plays the blues harmonica like nobody's business!!!"

He then started the van, and let it run a bit before putting the prized Bruce Willis 8-track in.

After a few seconds it started. It was his terrific rendition of "Under the Boardwalk*"
*[I'm not fooling. He actually does that song. I checked amazon.com.]

"This guy, Bruce Willis, is prime," he said. "His wife is a babe, too!, Don't tell your mom I told you guys this, but: I bet she sucks good dick too!" He let out a hearty guffaw.

One of the boys looked at the others and made a finger-down-the-throat gesture. He nodded at them, winked, and opened his mouth to show the his thoughts. In his mouth, there were four large fangs. Two fangs on the top, and two on the bottom.

He said to the others,"We think our life sucks?!?!Well this guy 's living proof that it could be a lot worse. Let's give him a little excitement!" The others looked at him and nodded in agreement.


After hearing the boy, one of the vampirettes put their mouth on the guy's neck. "Gettin' fresh, are ya?," he said to her. "Well, this is hard to do while driving. But it's worth a try," he said as he unbuttoned his pants, reached into his underwear, and pulled his tiny cock out.

"Well, there ya go, sister," he said. He then said, in a high-pitched baby voice,"Sucky! Sucky!"

The guy totally repulsed the vampirette, so she bit down hard on his neck. He lost control of the van, so one of the others quickly reached up, grabbed the steering wheel, and pulled the guy out of the seat. The vampirette then got in the empty seat and took control of the van.

The guy was dragged to the back of the van. They all got a taste of his blood. It tasted a bit old and moldy, but, hey, it was blood!

"Let's leave him a little. Don't drink it all. Afterall, we do want him to turn into one of us."

"You know, I've always wondered about that," he said.

"About what?" the one vampire asked.

"About turning others into vampires," he replied, and he pause a bit. "It just seems mean and cruel. We have really really boring lives. It just seems evil to subject them to that."

"Well, we are evil! " the other replied. He then struck an introspective pose and continued, "If you think about it, we really are doing these people a sevice!"

"A sevice? How so?"

"By showing that thier boring lives are, actually, not so boring afterall."

"But they can't go back to being human," he said.

"Well, dems da breaks, I guess." He said, letting out a diabolical laugh. "HA HA HA!"

My other blog...9-15-05

Hello blog-readers [yeah, right],

Here a link to my other blog. I hope you get something out of it. I find that it helps me stay creative.

The link.

Bands to get? 9-14-05

I made a list of bands I discovered on www.epitonic.com that, maybe, I should get:

Sleeepytime trio
Made for TV movie
Thumbnail
Dianogoh
Keloton DMD
Faraquet
Neutrino
Sweep the leg Johnny
The Monorchid
Roads to Space Travel

If any readers have heard, and has an opinion, of any of these bands, please drop me a line.

September 12, 2005

My daughter has this funny thing she does.

At any random time, she'll run around fanning her butt off with her hands, while screaming, "MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!" .

She must have a wierd butt fixation... Another thing she'll do is run around yelling, "I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT!!!"

I really have no idea where she got this. So if any readers know, please e-mail me.

Of course, I'm making a huge presumption that I have readers.

Skimmery Wimmery Do day

I wrote my father the following e-mail. I was very surprised that he never heard of Skimmery Wimmery Do day. Since he never heard of it, I'm guessing that most people have never heard of it either, because my father is a very intelligent man.

"Hey Dad,

I just want to wish you a happy skimmery-wimmery-do day, which is the day when people discovered that Cupid had magical arrows.

See cupid was off having a picnic alone near a farm.But before his picnic lunch, cupid stashed his arrows underneath the picnic basket.

He packed a terrific lunch; ham sandwiches, apples, watermelon slices, pumpkin pie, and tons of beer. He ate alot, and *drank* even more. He drank so much that he drunkenly looked around the farm, with beer goggles, for a hot girl to have sexual intercourse with. But there were none. Only cows.

He was really in the mood for some watermelon, so he reached inside the picnic basket for it. When he pulled it out, he was absolutely shocked to see ants swarming all over it. He absolutely freaked out, and threw the watermelon across the barn. But, in doing so, he slipped and fell on his own arrows.

He quickly got up. But, unfortunately, he too damn close to the cow field.

When he looked up he saw, what appeared to him to be a *very* sexy golden Guernsey. So he amorously called the cow over with, what he thought to be perfect cow pick-up lines:

"Hey sexy Guernsey. Your udders are making me hot!"

The cow walked towards towards the fence, near cupid's call. Cupid, then thought his pickup lines were working.

The cow turned around to face the other cows. In doing so, her rear directly faced cupid. Of course, horny, amorous cupid saw this as an invitation.

He quickly found a barrel, set the barrel directly behind the cow, jumped up, and pulled his pants down.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find the cows vagina. But he did find her anus!

Of course I could go on and be more descriptive, but you get the point.

Take care, and happy skimmery wimmery do day.

Love,
Cullen"


****On a different note, we have a small wipe-off boad in our bedroom informing me of things I should remember. On of the things that's written on it is, "your accident was two years ago." That totally astounds me. I honestly can't believe that it's been that long. It'd feel more realistic if it said, "'your accident was two hours ago."

September 10

Okay,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Skullen. I have a lovely wife. And a funny, gorgeous daughter. My favorite thing that I used to do was ride my bicycle.

Notice that I used the phrase "used to". I wrote that because I am unable to ride a bike. My brain injury screwed up my balance majorly.

"What brain injury?", you might be asking yourself.

I was hit, while riding my bike, by a pick-up truck. I'm told that I flew in the air and landed in the bed of the truck. Thank god, I was wearing a helmet! It saved my life.

I'm very happy that I'm still around to watch my daughter grow up. I'm also glad I'm still around to give my lovely wife hugs and kisses... and more; but we won't go into that.

September 1st, 2005

Hi.

This is my first post, and I'm just making sure everything is working fine